Disability & Dating

 

Would you date a person with disability? When i talk about a person with disability i don’t necessarily mean only the one on a wheelchair or the severely disabled persons, some people have invisible disabilities ,others are mild cases that may as well go unnoticed.  Has the thought ever crossed your mind? 

Some weeks ago i had a chat with two beautiful Kenyan ladies with mild cerebral palsy, they may have some limitations but even with that they still manages to live independent lives far better than some typical persons. 

Lets call the first lady Anne,We occasionally find time to talk and mostly its about cerebral palsy and how we can create more awareness and what we can do together. 

Well,i asked her about her dating life and if she was seeing someone. Anne and i are open about this kind of talks and it was easy for her to share her experience. 

“How is dating life for you as a person with disability? i asked her.

“Mmmh, yes it is, and no it doesn't have to be.” Replied Anne.

She continued “Yes because of the stereotypes and Prejudices, they think you can't feel, date, admire, be admired, etc. Like your  love life is a theory..No, perceptions and perspectives, how you put yourself out there, the bubble, social interaction, remember we don't grow up with much of a social network both ways”

In my thoughts, i think most people never take time to know someone as the person they are, we rush too fast to judge and conclude about someone on other issues, in this case of Anne, she is one beautiful soul in and out , not only that, she is also way off better independently than most of us who are not disabled. 

We proceeded to talk, i wanted to know a bit more, about her past experiences. 

Anne had tried dating before, the man was good, stood by her and accepted her as she was, the challenge came in when the family of the man could not understand why their son had to settle for a disabled lady when out there are many ladies who are not disabled. That made both of them uncomfortable and mostly for Anne, the fully displayed stigma and discrimination from a family she might have wanted to be connected to for the rest of your life wasn’t something worth her piece of mind. 

In Kenya and maybe Africa as a whole, most (not all) men want a woman who can take care of them, (not financially but we all know the position of women in Africa) and with that mentality they probably think a woman with disability is not full enough to be a wife, a mother or to take care of a home. 

Anne felt that it was more difficult for a woman with disability to join the dating world compared to men. She said and i quote  “Men with Disabilities get married more often than  women with Disabilities”  

Her reply sent me to find out more from two men with disabilities, one with cerebral palsy and one with hydrocephalus. They are both mild cases and live independent lives, good jobs and both are in Europe. I was curious to know how it goes for them from that part of the world. I wanted to compare to Kenya/Africa. Lets call them Lee and John. 

Lee has hydrocephalus and his legs were kinda affected too, he can walk but cannot do things like driving which require him to use his legs. 

John has mild CP. 

I shared with both about Annes thoughts and challenges, and asked them how it was for them there. 

To both, dating has not been easy, most women they meet will always quickly judge them from their disabilities and hardly take time to get to know them as the men they are, not about their success but about their personalities. 

Lee told me he had a girlfriend who worried a lot about what people thought of them together, so she forced him into indoor dates and always staying at home when together, while Lee preferred going out and having fun and exploring other places. 

The second Kenyan lady i spoke to, Ellah, 

another beautiful Kenyan female with CP, she said and i quote “I am an adult first then CP comes in second. I have dated and all the men I have dated I must say that my disability didn't matter to them yes we broke up but had nothing to do with my disability” 

However, as much as she has been lucky to date men who appreciated her, the society still had a different view, heres what Ellah had to say: 

“ i once was told not to fall in love....

People kept warning me not to joke with men, that they will take advantage of me because of your disability.” 

“In as much as this can be true not all men take advantage,”says Ellah. 

From Ella’s general point of view, the society assumes and has refused to believe that persons with disabilities have feelings too, the disability dint drain out the blood in their veins or the emotional feeling of wanting to fall in love and be loved, have children and build a family like any other person.

I follow a couple on social media, Philip &Suzzy Eling, a Kenyan lady married to an Australian Philip with muscular dystrophy, The man cannot do anything for himself and even with that the two are so in love and its evident how they show it to each other. I once took time to read the comment section from their timelines, my goodness, people accusing the lady for marrying the man for his money and a better life, The society has refused to accept and believe that a man like Philip could actually find love too. 

I think for both men and women with disabilities, it doesn’t matter which part of the world they are, it feels like dating is a challenge, and if they do find love the society will always be so judgmental making it uncomfortable for some, another of the many challenges could be brought up with the fact that most do not have a social life from fear of mingling with others, and maybe for some its in the mind that no one will ever love them because of their condition. The other thing is the worry of what the society thinks, the typical partners the disabled persons meet and fall in love with would make a big difference if they actually got themselves in the relationship with the mind of not caring what others think, just being them like the case of Suzzy & Philip.

Personally i would not mind dating a person with disability, i am not saying this because my son is disabled, No. For me love comes from the heart and if the connection is mutual, soul to soul, i wont care much about the disability. 

To conclude, in a world where you can be anything, please be kind. Remember  that disability is a club and anyone can join, anytime anywhere anything could happen to us that may leave us disabled. Disabled persons have feelings too and deserve to be loved and given the chance to love too. 

Back to you reader, whats your thought on todays blog and do you think you could date a disabled person?? 

Thank you for taking time to read. 

Regards Mama Elly

Disability and Humor

Disability and humor have an uneasy relationship. Could it be because disability comes with a lot of pity, sorrow and somehow considered tragic? Disability humor raises a hidden paradox that makes people feel uncomfortable. What is so funny about having a disability when others think it is a tragedy?  Personally I feel there is little or no humor about having a disability, though I also feel that having a disability should not be seen as sorrowful or tragic. Many people in the community at large perceive disability with sympathetic and lamentable attitudes and because of that, they resist or oppose attempts to juxtapose humor and disability.

I have occasionally made jokes about my son, yes, it’s not that I laugh at him, NO. It comparable to those funny jokes or names our parents would call us and it absolutely meant nothing except for the humor in that moment.  There is this close friend of mine whose child has epilepsy, we have often joked about that moment of convulsion, in fact we even gave it a nick name and every time we discuss this we end up laughing to tears, we are not laughing because our children are convulsing, we are laughing at the nick name we gave the convulsion. Maybe we would take this in a completely and negative way if it came from a parent or anyone who is not a special needs parent like us, maybe we could see it as an attack or way of laughing at us indirectly.

Disability is assumed to be associated with dumbness, not being normal or just being odd and useless and most people don’t realize the different categories of disabilities and that a person cannot be judged from their disability. My feeling is in most cases when non-disabled people create humor narratives about disability they use what they perceive as the abnormality or oddness of disability to invoke the incongruity that signals humor, and, many non-disabled people, who perceive having a disability as tragic, pitiable, or just plain sad, may be uncomfortable about humor related to disability. Destructive humor sets disabled people apart by poking fun at what are seen as their inadequacies and incapability’s.

I don’t think I would find it funny if someone used my sons condition to create humor that may be directed to making him or me feel less in any way, no and never. I would also not entertain some jokes that would leave me feeling that it was funny but sad at the same time.  However, I wouldn’t want to feel personal about every joke about my son or any disabled person, it could just be a general joke that could be directed to any other person for the sake of humor in that moment.

In a way I feel disability and disabled persons should not only be for inspirational and serious subject contexts. The society should learn to see the diverse qualities of people with disabilities, especially that they also like to laugh and have fun just like anyone else. Comedy becomes a way to vent frustrations, as well as laugh at the world that does not really accommodate the differently able persons.

Lastly, isn’t it paradoxical that disabled people can make fun of non-disabled people and we for sure would find no offense in that? 😉 

Thank you for taking time to read this and I look forward to your views on disability and humor. Let’s talk.

Mama Elly

Being away from Elly

How do parents who take their children to boarding schools cope with the distance and temporary separation? I would ask this same question to the parents who for one reason or the other are forced to stay a part from their children, special needs or not.

Its been two weeks now being away from Elly, he traveled somewhere with my younger brother and as it is they are doing fine and i am not missed. sad huh hehhehhe .
Truth is its not been easy for me to cope with that, the first days they went, since i am used to sleeping with Elly, i felt the gap of not feeling his tiny legs kicking me in the early hours of the morning. I miss his drooling when i get home every evening from work, the way he opens his mouth somehow like trying to communicate and tell me how his day was, arrggghhh what more...

Most special parents including me, there are days we all wish someone would just take our children and let us have that "us" time, its easier said i think and the feeling when the reality happens is somehow different. I am not saying i am not enjoying this alone time, what i mean is its hard being a part and away from him.

On phone earlier today with my mum, i asked her how she has managed to cope with staying far away from her children, most of my siblings are scattered all across the country. My mum confessed that even now, she still wishes i was staying with her. I think most parents especially mothers go through this feeling.
Back to you reader, have you ever been separated from your child and how was the experience, i am curious to hear from the men as much. Looking forward to your responses.

Thank you for taking your time to read, please feel free to share.

Yours mama Elly

Grief

Sometime  ago i was home alone and i thought it was a good moment to work on the many photos of Elly  on my computer, to  sort and file the good ones. I nearly never look at the files of photos of his first months of life, especially those that were taken before i knew about his condition (0-4months)  Well, back to my computer, i open this file of Elly's first days of life, photos from him after resuscitation,(my friend took those), photos of him in the ICU etc.Memories of those days came back and the first feeling is anger, anger towards Emily, the woman who helped me deliver Elly, the anger then invited his cousin Mr grief  and together they brought me back to the "what if" thoughts and tears.

Of course i have accepted my sons condition, and even with that please remember i am human too and 4 years in this journey is way too fresh.  I think grief in  special needs parenting is one of the many emotions experienced. I recently tried talking to a few parents with older special needs children, to find out if they had overcame grief or if they sometimes still grieved. I am talking about parents of teenage children or older,  Unfortunately all the parents i spoke to still grieve.

Could there be a way of managing or ending this or does it mean grief is endless for us SNP? well, in my search for some answers i came through this article that talks about the seven stages of grief, which are:

1. Shock and Denial

1. Pain and guilt

1. Anger and bargaining

1. Depression, reflection and loneliness

1. The upward turn

1. Reconstruction and working through

1. Acceptance and hope

I dont want to disagree with this, somehow i have been through all the seven stages with my son, and even in acceptance which according to the article is the last stage, i must admit i still grieve. How will i ever stop grieving when sometimes the reality hits and my thoughts go back to "pain and guilt". I am not saying i grieved today, NO, and i am not saying i am loosing hope either, what i mean there are moments i still loose it and find myself breaking down and Grieving.

On another note trying to think of other parents, could there be other reasons why they grieve? i think for some parents who have diffAbled children and also battling rejection, stigma, and maybe loosing friends and ending up alone, they may be more affected by the whole burden and more often find themselves in the grief state.

Do you think there are ways we can manage or control these kind of emotions that weigh us down?  A very good question and a challenge to you reading this. I am curious to know your thoughts.        To those SNP who are still alone or became loners, do you think socializing or getting distracted by engaging in activities like your hobbies or so could be a good way of managing grief?

Lets talk, am curious to hear your thoughts too.

Thanks for reading
Mama Elly