Disability & Dating

 

Would you date a person with disability? When i talk about a person with disability i don’t necessarily mean only the one on a wheelchair or the severely disabled persons, some people have invisible disabilities ,others are mild cases that may as well go unnoticed.  Has the thought ever crossed your mind? 

Some weeks ago i had a chat with two beautiful Kenyan ladies with mild cerebral palsy, they may have some limitations but even with that they still manages to live independent lives far better than some typical persons. 

Lets call the first lady Anne,We occasionally find time to talk and mostly its about cerebral palsy and how we can create more awareness and what we can do together. 

Well,i asked her about her dating life and if she was seeing someone. Anne and i are open about this kind of talks and it was easy for her to share her experience. 

“How is dating life for you as a person with disability? i asked her.

“Mmmh, yes it is, and no it doesn't have to be.” Replied Anne.

She continued “Yes because of the stereotypes and Prejudices, they think you can't feel, date, admire, be admired, etc. Like your  love life is a theory..No, perceptions and perspectives, how you put yourself out there, the bubble, social interaction, remember we don't grow up with much of a social network both ways”

In my thoughts, i think most people never take time to know someone as the person they are, we rush too fast to judge and conclude about someone on other issues, in this case of Anne, she is one beautiful soul in and out , not only that, she is also way off better independently than most of us who are not disabled. 

We proceeded to talk, i wanted to know a bit more, about her past experiences. 

Anne had tried dating before, the man was good, stood by her and accepted her as she was, the challenge came in when the family of the man could not understand why their son had to settle for a disabled lady when out there are many ladies who are not disabled. That made both of them uncomfortable and mostly for Anne, the fully displayed stigma and discrimination from a family she might have wanted to be connected to for the rest of your life wasn’t something worth her piece of mind. 

In Kenya and maybe Africa as a whole, most (not all) men want a woman who can take care of them, (not financially but we all know the position of women in Africa) and with that mentality they probably think a woman with disability is not full enough to be a wife, a mother or to take care of a home. 

Anne felt that it was more difficult for a woman with disability to join the dating world compared to men. She said and i quote  “Men with Disabilities get married more often than  women with Disabilities”  

Her reply sent me to find out more from two men with disabilities, one with cerebral palsy and one with hydrocephalus. They are both mild cases and live independent lives, good jobs and both are in Europe. I was curious to know how it goes for them from that part of the world. I wanted to compare to Kenya/Africa. Lets call them Lee and John. 

Lee has hydrocephalus and his legs were kinda affected too, he can walk but cannot do things like driving which require him to use his legs. 

John has mild CP. 

I shared with both about Annes thoughts and challenges, and asked them how it was for them there. 

To both, dating has not been easy, most women they meet will always quickly judge them from their disabilities and hardly take time to get to know them as the men they are, not about their success but about their personalities. 

Lee told me he had a girlfriend who worried a lot about what people thought of them together, so she forced him into indoor dates and always staying at home when together, while Lee preferred going out and having fun and exploring other places. 

The second Kenyan lady i spoke to, Ellah, 

another beautiful Kenyan female with CP, she said and i quote “I am an adult first then CP comes in second. I have dated and all the men I have dated I must say that my disability didn't matter to them yes we broke up but had nothing to do with my disability” 

However, as much as she has been lucky to date men who appreciated her, the society still had a different view, heres what Ellah had to say: 

“ i once was told not to fall in love....

People kept warning me not to joke with men, that they will take advantage of me because of your disability.” 

“In as much as this can be true not all men take advantage,”says Ellah. 

From Ella’s general point of view, the society assumes and has refused to believe that persons with disabilities have feelings too, the disability dint drain out the blood in their veins or the emotional feeling of wanting to fall in love and be loved, have children and build a family like any other person.

I follow a couple on social media, Philip &Suzzy Eling, a Kenyan lady married to an Australian Philip with muscular dystrophy, The man cannot do anything for himself and even with that the two are so in love and its evident how they show it to each other. I once took time to read the comment section from their timelines, my goodness, people accusing the lady for marrying the man for his money and a better life, The society has refused to accept and believe that a man like Philip could actually find love too. 

I think for both men and women with disabilities, it doesn’t matter which part of the world they are, it feels like dating is a challenge, and if they do find love the society will always be so judgmental making it uncomfortable for some, another of the many challenges could be brought up with the fact that most do not have a social life from fear of mingling with others, and maybe for some its in the mind that no one will ever love them because of their condition. The other thing is the worry of what the society thinks, the typical partners the disabled persons meet and fall in love with would make a big difference if they actually got themselves in the relationship with the mind of not caring what others think, just being them like the case of Suzzy & Philip.

Personally i would not mind dating a person with disability, i am not saying this because my son is disabled, No. For me love comes from the heart and if the connection is mutual, soul to soul, i wont care much about the disability. 

To conclude, in a world where you can be anything, please be kind. Remember  that disability is a club and anyone can join, anytime anywhere anything could happen to us that may leave us disabled. Disabled persons have feelings too and deserve to be loved and given the chance to love too. 

Back to you reader, whats your thought on todays blog and do you think you could date a disabled person?? 

Thank you for taking time to read. 

Regards Mama Elly